Rollercoaster Ride

Having a BAD {Horrible} Week!

Hahaha, ok after Mish’s video on Wednesday, I guess I am not allowed to say “bad”… but can admit I did have a horrible week from which I will pick up on!

I pulled a bit of a muscle from last week’s exercise, so on Monday tried to do a run. However about 8oo meters later exhaustion was a HUGE drag, and I just had to stop and head home. I had it all the first week, and took no notice of it… but no matter how much I increased my water intake, included some hydralite etc. there was just this major headache that was getting worse. So for Monday I decided to take an extra day of rest.

After that….well, I don’t think I am allowed to say why just yet, but my week was just soo depressing. I have just been so stressed out with my previous employer that it has unmotivated and immobolised me, to a point where I picked up a packet of cigarettes and just hid in a corner for the last 3 days… I know I should not be stressing and should be all Ay-Okay, everything that was done this week is just placing more against them … but I am a conflict avoider… I wish I could just walk away and ignore it all as I normally do, because just being in the situation is freaking me out!!!! They just keep prolonging me being the victim 😦

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! why can’t they just stop doing things illegally! I don’t want to take action against anyone!

Right!… now that is out there for the world to read and see how STRESSED I AM. Hopefully I can let go a bit and just live…. 😦

So that the end of ONE horrible week, Now is the start of a better and happier week! I was/am stressed, I shall not use this as an excuse and get back on that high horse! 🙂

EDIT: Just A quick shout out, to Miss_Kris on the forums. She really made my day but just simply asking how I was going… awesome support right there. And also have to add everyone here and forums are all awesome!! I never realise how far a little bit of support can take me even if it comes from people I have never met 😉

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Getting tough, but getting it down!

OMG! What a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?

But it does feel good to get through it all… The first few days I felt like I was going insane, and my stress levels felt like they were hitting a peak! But I didn’t know why, cause technically I am not really stressed, but something is STRESSING ME OUT!

Turns out it is carbohydrate and sugar withdrawals…. I was so excited when I discovered that a volunteer (Sam) at the RSPCA, has also done this programme too! She had lost 14 kg’s and said that if she wasn’t pregnant she would be doing the 4th round as well! However since she is popping out the baby in January, she didn’t want to do this round because she can’t put her all into it (…clearly…) 😛 …. BUT WOW!, when I first met Sam, I thought she was one of those naturally thin people, because she is so thin!! And then she showed us all her before picture, and the crew just dropped their jaws to the floor… Thoughts running through my mind was “HOLY COW, physical proof was in front of me, someone I would have never expected to have done the programme is working right beside me!”
So I asked her a few questions, that I thought I would hold off from asking in the forums… I was getting some sort of dizziness and headaches….and I found myself always mindlessly walking into the kitchen wanting something but did not know what! I knew I was having withdrawals, and at first I thought it was cigarette withdrawals? (I have not smoked in months, but I know I get bad cravings when I am super stressed)… Anyway, so yeah, I did smoke a couple of puffs, felt sick and put it out… It was not the cigarettes (tried this twice)… So asking Sam, she explained to me how she had carbohydrate withdrawals aswell, and that seems to pretty much explain it 🙂 I still have cravings now and then, but not as severe as before (and thankfully it is not cravings for tobacco 😉 )

The Exercise! OMG, when Michelle released the video on Wednesday night about how many calories we should be exercising a DAY!! I FREAKED! I don’t know how but I must have missed the part where we are suppose to work off 400 calories to 600 calories per session!! I was probably only doing about 300 calories max with my 5km jog in the mornings! and I came back covered in sweat and panting after those!! AHHHH! After attempting 10km Saturday morning and burning 416 calorires before my SSS circuit, I feel confident about doing that jog in the morning if I have an hour to spare??…but I am in so much pain today!!

Meals?

well, meals did pretty well, and overall my husband was pretty impressed with it all! 😀 He loved the beef dishes, and unlike most people who were posting up on the forums about the Eggplant dish, I actually quite liked it 🙂 I had an easy week with meals…slipped up a couple of times, with withdrawals, but now I understand what I am fighting, I feel I am fitting them better!

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Day ONE

How did everyone go for day one!!?!?!?!

I am not sure about you all, but I attempted to do a little cook off on Sunday, with the dinners and next day’s lunch. The problem with that I found, was I wanted to eat everything as I made it!!! 😛

Though to my biggest surprise WAS THIS:

As noted in my childhood belief, this is puke looking substance in a jar . . . AKA, Corn Relish!! Haha, I just remembered being told by my mother “you won’t like this”. So I decided I didn’t and never tried it…. until yesterday… OMG I like it, to me it just reminded me of salsa! Just one of the new things I am hoping to try and learn to eat on this program. 🙂

I was a little hungry when I got home, and I caved! I tried to do everything! I ate an orange, and a cocoa bite, and 3 glasses of water, waited around for an hour…and yes…at 4:30pm, I cracked, and found my husbands hidden packet of Twisties! 😦

So yeah, I know not a good start for the first day, so after I skipped the dinner (because I just ate 500 calories!!) and went out for a jog…came home wanting to eat again, so I distracted myself by putting slices of lime into a glass of water…

It will be harder today, because I have a day off today, and when I am just sitting at home with nothing to distract me, I just end up eating…. so let’s do this for today; when I want to eat junk, have a piece of fruit, a glass of water, go out to the backyard, and sit there for   reading one of my textbooks!… hopefully this will teach me not to eat HEAPS when I study aswell…. I always eat a lot when stressed with my study.

So Day TWO! lets kick some baby step ASS!

“Bubby, Do you think I’m pretty?” “Of course I do Fatty”

This post is a bit inspired from Larney12’s post:
http://larney12.wordpress.com/2012/11/17/weigh-in-measurements-photo-a-hard-slap-in-the-face-of-reality/

I also ask my partner often “do you find me pretty?”. To which he just jokes around, and starts singing “Am I Not Pretty Enough?” or just simply replies, yes followed with the nickname “fatty”. Don’t take him the wrong way, he is a really good guy, and the only reason why he call’s me fatty is because he thinks I’m not that fat, and shouldn’t think of it so harshly…. almost as a joke

I can normally take it as a joke, but thinking about it…couples have those cutesy nicknames for each other… Our’s is Bubby(him) and Fatty(Me) . . . it can hurt, and I want to change this nickname, but I guess I am not yet deserving of this.
So being honest, yes, I am still overweight, and yes I am fat… and I CONFESS!, I couldn’t find anything to cook for lunch so…I JUST ATE A WHOLE PIZZA, and still not be bloated/satisfied 😦

So, let’s be serious about myself for once. I know he likes to make me feel good about myself, and I know he loves me just the way I am…. but I am unhealthy! I am fat! I was telling him this morning, “I was 50 kg when I was ten, and 60 kg when I was eleven years old.” This only shocked him a bit… So I go on, “I was 72 kg when I was 13 years old,” and that’s when it hits him… because the heaviest my partner ever has been was only coming close to 70 kg… Going on still, when I was in that “Anorexic” mentality, when you could see 2 ribs through the skin and I THOUGHT I WAS STILL FAT!! I was not joking then, when I said I was the lightest I ever have been since I was TEN…

I don’t want to lose weight like that again, and I don’t want to lose weight again just for the sake of it, cause face it being all bone with a layer of fat does not look nice… Now, HEALTHY is what I want, and I understand that being healthy involves weight loss… but it also involves, still eating and EATING RIGHT, it also involves EXERCISE…

My appearance does upset me a bit, because I wish I could have nicer/prettier holiday photo’s… in December, I run off to Vietnam and I wish I cold have looked liked these!!:

If you noticed, yes those are all Miranda Kerr, my somewhat idle for impossibly achievable  good looks 😛

But yes I WISHED I looked like that for my holidays soon coming, unfortunately I only discovered this 12WBT recently, so the best I would have to deal with is my starting “before” photo… and here it is:

This is just the beginning of an End

So looking at this photo publically posted up about myself, I hope this encourages me like others, to NEVER be like this AGAIN!

(hahah, is it fitting that this week was ‘Who Weekly’s release of the top sexiest people?)

All About the Small Wins

I caved in and didn’t end up trying to workout yesterday evening….but…This morning was self punishment … it was some sort of mental breaking kind.

After yesterday’s little bitch and tantrum, I decided this morning I have to really test myself…. I don’t to waste my money, or time with another half-assed attempt to lose weight! I really want to do this. The 12WBT is so simply planned out with tools to help me not just physically but mentally, so the only thing that can/will hold me back is… ME.

I did a 5km run/jog and wanted to turn back and give up so many times. There was a thought that saying to “…just turn back, it is ok, your tired…”. Next, to make up for what I wanted to do yesterday, I did the toning session planned for next Tuesday, and if I wasn’t tired from the jog, I soon found out what it was to be really tired. Every step/move I did, I wanted to stop… and now it is making me think, is this what I always say to myself? really?!?!? I ran the Bridge to Brisbane in 1hr and 10mins, I trekked 3 weeks from Jiri to Everest instead of the “tourist” simpler route from Lukla…. and this is what I am saying to myself?? REALLY!!… so I guess, that little thought monster happily living inside my head is still there. I have to keep trying beat it…

During these workouts I had to battle myself, just kept trying to think… “I could stop now and give up, but is it not better to complete the task I set myself, and feel accomplished?”…. or I thought “I know this is hurting, and I just want to stop, but I am going to get no where like this!”. It is harder when there is no one around to push you and shout at you. So I have to learn to shout at myself, and hopefully, *fingers crossed* I will not  ever agree with that little monster.
But after all that, the feeling is: WINNING 😀 😀

….. *huff*

Just being honest, the first week looks like it will be really really hard… and I am not looking forward to summer…

I haven’t worked out yet today, because after work, walking the 1km back home from the train station nearly made me faint from the heat. Now I am just scared of passing out! 😛 but will try a bit later this evening…
Nonetheless, looking at the Meal Plan next week… I am not looking forward to it…

Why?

because I can see myself cheating

Why?

because each recipe is for TWO PEOPLE. yeah, that’s right, 100 grams of muesli is FOR TWO!

And?

I am going to starve! and then just search the fridge for anything else I can snack on, like eating a block of cheese!

Why?

Because, I am hungry, and I get angry when I am hungry!

But it was MY choice to do this…

I know, but it is hard, and I like food, and I just want to feel happy… It is hot and the day was stressful! Why can’t they just let me be!

Does food make me happy? And who is they?

Well, when I eat food it certainly makes me happy in the moment…. and I don’t know, they! the nutritionists! they’re the ones that chose such a hard first week plan!

Am I really happy though? and Did I think this would be easy??

well…OKAY!!

I know

I know

I know….. I KNOW. I am not happy, and I am unhealthy… and no, this ALL OF THIS, is not easy…it is made to make me break my habits and live a better life. But! what if it fails? what if it does not work? what if it all goes nowhere!??!?

Does it hurt to try something new? as I have been saying;

To get something I’ve never had I must do something I have never done before….

END

Well, no joke…as I was writing that, that was the conversation I was having with myself in my mind….slightly crazy? yes I am, and I don’t deny it 😛 …. but I feel a bit better now

I hope you all out there are more enthusiastic than I am 🙂

Revising- Task: Goal Setting

Giving myself a KICK!

Tomorrow is the measure up for the start of the 12WBT and the goal task is the only task I haven’t really sat down and heavily thought about. Admittedly for tomorrow, I am a more scared than excited. Most of my excitement over the programme feels like it has left me, so I am hoping that completing this goal task today will bring all that back for me with the task tomorrow. This lull in excitement normally is the beginning for failed commitments, especially because there is no reason to keep up this 12WBT up for anyone, except myself.

It is true; I don’t have much self-worth. Like to think I do, but it is all talk and no walk. The severe depression over most of my life did not help much. I remember in my early teens, vowing to just forget about myself, my ambitions, my goals and my happiness to just do what I was told to do/be and help out others around me. When I left home, this idea almost threw me to suicide.

I learned a bit in the last few years. Once I over-heard the conversation of, “She should be doing what she is supposed to be doing,” and it snapped. I just learned that the people I was trying to please all my life were not listening to me, cause doing what I was “suppose to be doing” nearly killed me…

Now here I am, scared…really scared. There is a little voice in my head saying ANYTHING is possible, and YOU CAN DO THIS! But I am still scared. I don’t regret breaking away from my family, and I am lucky to have found the most supportive husband who I love and adore. But doing this, and actually achieving a goal(s) I have set myself, is really scary for me!

Don’t get me wrong, my parents are good people. They just want to do what is best for me, and if I had come from such poor settings like they have, I would think the same as them. They did very well in providing for us, but I just don’t have the same priority of material wealth before holistic. You meet that stereotype of people who are doing what they are told to do, and they are unhappy. I was unhappy my entire childhood, I am not going to be that and I am going to do this. Take control of my health, my lifestyle and my life…So now I have to be serious about this commitment, this… ALL OF THIS! is not just a commitment to me, but to my husband, my future family, and all those around me

Now let’s stop being side tracked and get on with it 😀

 

Goal Setting

So to get somewhere effectively, I have to set some S.M.A.R.T goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-based).

 12 Months:

  • Swim 200m
  • Run 10km under 1hour
  • And still be at my ideal weight

6 Months:

  • Cooking all meals for myself, family and guests
  • Run 5km without stopping
  • Swimming at least twice a fortnight
  • Exercising as a Daily Routine to my life

3 Months

  • Be Close to my Ideal weight 55kg – 56kg
  • Run 2.5km without stopping
  • Collected at least 30 of my favourite and healthy recipes
  • Start learning to swim properly
  • Pick up a Yoga/Pilates Class

1 Month

  • Run 1km without stopping
  • Cut out all pre-made and processed foods, and start cooking more
  • Swim at least twice
  • Comfortably touch my toes.

How to get there?

Well, in tackling the first month, I have included yoga/stretching into my morning routine. The Kitchen clean up really helped with the food goal and I am starting to go out jogging now in the afternoons. 🙂

REWARDS!

Yay! Don’t we all love rewards! So this is how I am going to reward myself:

  • 63kg: Get a New water Bottle
  • 61kg: Get a new pair of headphones
  • 59kg: Get a mini Spa Treatment
  • 57kg: Get a New pair of customised Nike’s!
  • 55kg: $100 to spend at Lorna Jane
  • 55kg for 2 Weeks: Splurge a bit more on a new wardrobe!
  • 55kg for 4 Weeks: Photo shoot for me and my partner!
  • 55kg for 6 Weeks: Confidence to pick up my study where I left it!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This Morning’s Rant (feel free to skip this little bit)

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning… A pain in the back of my head and a stuffy feeling all over… My bread failed to bake properly for the morning and my husband woke up negatively because he can’t sleep. It is so hard to get him out of bed so he can get to work on time. I have tried to get him to meditate, and set a separate room for his work so that stress is not through the house…but he is still stressed, and I keep feeling like I fail in not being able to help him. On top of all of this, I AM PMS-ing!!

Once I finally kicked him out of the house, I had a glass of water, put a new lot of ingredients into the bread maker, put on my shoes and put the dogs on a lead and took them for a walk….breath….breeaaatthhh…

Ok, rant over… now 😛 I came home to fresh bread, and a nice little work out;

    

I DID IT! & Watching that BPM

*BPM = Heart Beats per Min

Getting Out

Ok, I have to admit, I haven’t really been giving cardio/strength exercise much the last 3-4 weeks. They have simply been easy walks in the afternoon (if I even do it) and a 15 min yoga session in the mornings. Today, after browsing through all my excuses, and their solutions… then glancing over at my new gadget to play with, I thought “GET OFF THE COUCH!” 🙂

Nothing seems give me that extra coaxing like getting something new to use!

So yes, I did it… it was only for 25 mins, but I did it… I RAN! I feel floppy and a bit exhausted but this is how it looked:

Polarheart FT40

If anyone finds the opportunity to get a heart rate monitor, I would always recommend it! The monitors  are awesome at telling you what your body is thinking/doing. I used it once when I did high altitude training to prepare me for a 3 week trek to Mount Everest. Here is a chart you can use as reference:

 

So in my past case for high altitudes, I was aiming for a BPM of 160 or above. Anaerobic training restricts oxygen and trains you to exert yourself with a smaller oxygen intake (Just like that in higher altitudes!). Nonetheless, to increase endurance one must still do plenty of aerobic exercises!

I found I loved using the heart rate monitor, before I was using the Nike+ programme, it allowed me to see my heart rate along with my running pace. For a month you could match my heart rate with my jogging speed. Over time I was watching my heart rate drop and speed picking up! 😀

 

The new watch I have is the Polar Heart FT40, which is on special with the 12WBT.

I found that this was quite a simple watch to use. The thing that annoyed me was that it started beeping when my Heart Rate hit 170BMP as I ran. However this was my fault a bit, I didn’t realise I had turned on the “upper limit” setting.

I have turned this setting off now. So overall, for basic beginners like me, I really liked it and is real value for money. It would be nice if it had a “lower limit” setting though.

Lower limit alarm on this would have been awesome because it would start beeping at you when you are not pushing yourself hard enough 😉

Taking A Step Back- Tasks: Get Real

It was funny doing these tasks…I avoided doing things for myself so much that looking at them made me realise how I am this does not just apply to my health and exercise, but to my entire life. Basically, it is self-sabotage; I lack in self-discipline and long term commitments for myself in almost every way. Discipline to my husband, my friends and my family…easy, but I forget about myself and my ambitions. I can do things, there is someone inside of me that says I can, and I have proven to myself I can countless times…but it does make me cry that I just don’t have the determination or motivation that keeps me going to live EVERYDAY TO IT’S FULLEST…. but more on this a in another post. Firstly, the tasks!!

Getting Down to the Bottom of Things…

For this Task we were asked to list our internal and external (within and out of my control) excuses. Internal is just the excuses that go on in your head that make you not want to do anything, external is where you point at something and use that as a reason. Moreover with external, you have the ones you can control and the ones you can’t…Mine, looks something like this:

Internal Excuses:

  • I am scared
  • I don’t feel like/want to do it
  • I am too tired/stressed/lazy/sick
  • I don’t want to look silly!
  • It is not the right time of day
  • I can do it later
  • It feels better and more comfortable here (on the couch)

 

External Within My Control:

  • The hubby is home! I can’t go because he is tired
  • I need to…wash/clean/cook/write/read/watch something on TV/research something
  • It is too hot/cold or it is raining/could rain
  • I just don’t have the time
  • I am injured
  • On holiday/overseas!

 

External Out of My Control:

  • Got called into work
  • Someone is really sick and needs me

Back To Reality

Internal Solutions:

The only solution I can think of for my internal excuses is to guilt myself with regrets:

 

External Solutions:

Well, I do have a trekking jacket, basically it is a breathable-waterproof-wind braker jacket that is very light with no thermal qualities. This means my demise from weather is accounted for. As with the “Too Hot/Cold,” well I do have singlets and I do have thermals…

My husband understands what I am doing, and I should have never made him an excuse. Plus if he wants to spend time with me, he should start coming out with me for a jog as well 😉

Time is not really an issue unless it is sudden and uncalled for, but that is something I can work around, such as work harder the next day!! Learn to plan and be flexible in my timetable, but make sure everything is in there and gets done!

If I am injured, it is simple…exercise something that is not injured…If I am sick/someone is sick and needs me, then simple! Just eat healthy, especially since I/they are sick!! Maybe take a walk if I feel up to it, and work harder when I come back 🙂

And as I would have noted in a previous post, just because I am/going on holiday is NOT AN EXCUSE!

 

And Now?

It was good reflecting back on these excuses today. I had a big slump the past week, and continued to drop the yoyo… I ate too much basically, I made a Yellow curry over the weekend and red wine lamb shanks with mash potato before that! All made from scratch of course, so I know the dishes were relatively healthy as I monitor what I put into the dish… with heaps of fresh ingredients and vegies!!… I just really need to monitor how much I EAT!… self control, self control, SELF CONTROL!